Farewell December

 I don't do resolutions anymore. I've let myself down too many times by putting grandiose expectations on myself and stressing out at the start of every year. I'm too old for that shit now! I do however reflect on the last year, my growth (or not) and how I want to move forward in the coming year. I tried a couple times to find a word or phrase to take me into the new year and that fell flat too, so reflection it is.

Thanks to therapy (and if you know me well enough, I talk about the holiness of therapy A LOT!) I have a better time self reflecting and giving myself grace for mistakes and evaluating how to avoid them in the future. I'm better, definitely not great, but coming from a lifetime of head in the sand self awareness, I now feel like Buddha with total enlightenment LOL. It is a double edged sword, as facing your own "stuff" often is. Once seen it can't be unseen or ignored. Over the last 5 years I have jumped head first into figuring "ME" out and getting my shit together...it's been a LOT! I turned 50 this year and I can honestly say I am emotionally the healthiest I've ever been (my body would like to lodge a complaint for its neglect though). It has benefited my relationship with my husband, my kids, and my family, but even better, with myself. I have gotten better at saying no, setting boundaries, and not sitting in my own discomfort to accommodate someone else. It's not an easy process and I still question myself. "Is this really so important that I need to say anything?" "Did that really bother me?" "Should I just ignore it and pretend it's not there?" The answers are YES, YES and NO. I have found that if it's enough to make me ask these questions that is answer enough. My lifelong habit of not creating conflict butts up against this philosophy and it creates some drama inside my head for sure. Thankfully, my therapist answers texts!

This year has been full. Full of good and bad as most people's years have. There are always degrees of course and perspective is important. I navigated a shoulder surgery, my baby graduating and moving to college, wonderful vacations, the buildup to my 50th birthday, and crushing disappointment in my countrymen.Through it all has been reflection. Can I do this, say this, accept this, and still feel good about myself? Can I make the hard choice, speak my truth, stand by my boundaries? Can I accept the consequences of my choices? How do I move forward after those choices have been made? That one I'm still figuring out. Loss is hard to say the least, but loss by your choice feels harder to navigate. I lost a best friend this year, by choice. Much like when I came to the epiphany around Rigel and his transitioning, my ultimate question surrounding this choice is could I have made another choice and been ok with it? The answer is still no. No matter how much I "what if" or second guess myself, I always come back to my truth. There isn't a day I don't wish things were different, but at no time do I feel I made the wrong choice, as excruciating as it was. 

I am in this kind of limbo now. There is life before and now, life after. I'm trying to figure out what that looks like, where to lay my trust and heart and how to expand my circle to bring in people and activities that support and uplift me. 

Reflecting on how I want to spend my time and who I want to spend it with, what is important to me, and how I can support my kids and my husband is what I'm moving into 2025 with. I have a bit of melancholic peace within me that I hope can turn into a joyful peace as the year progresses but I'm not putting any expectations on myself, I'm just going to move through it all as it comes...and keep my therapist on speed dial.

Now What?

I had to relearn how to walk when I was pregnant. I was suffering from debilitating sciatic nerve and back pain and the only relief was to learn how to walk with my hips pulled forward rather than how I had walked my whole life up to that point. It was a conscious and concerted effort and I had to remind myself to do it for a very long time. Somewhere along the way after having two babies and so much practice, It's no longer a conscious thing and it's how I walk now. I do still have slouchy, lazy days where I throw my hips too far back and boy do I pay for it! 48 is not as forgiving as 30!

It hit me today that this new stage of my life is very similar to having to relearn how to walk. Except this is much less tangible and much more emotional. I have to re-learn how to be. I have to re-learn how to parent. I have to re-learn who I am now and what my role is. It's very disorienting. It's a little like being lightheaded in that there isn't too much you can do about it and sometimes it comes in waves.

When I first brought Rigel home as a baby, that first day, I looked at my mom and said "now what?" she laughed, but I was serious. Like, what happens now? Of course as any person that brings an infant home knows, that question gets answered real quick and you never have the luxury of asking it again...until they are ready to leave your home and go out on their own. He's gone, Now what?

I know fundamentally I will always be their mother but that job is different now and my copy of the manual got lost in the mail somehow so I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. Am I their friend, am I their bank roller, am I just an old lady that doesn't get it and tells them they should eat better? Like what do I even do now? And really, for me anyway, it is the feeling of loss of control or being involved. Like a friend recently said, control is really just an illusion, but man did I love that illusion. I am simultaneously so excited to see my kid kick ass as a newly independent human, and beyond terrified that I failed in some fundamental way and have fucked up their life forever. I'm sure it's a common theme with parents and I don't think I'm alone in that. It's the waiting to see which it is and having NO control of that outcome at all that is a serious blow to my heart. I know I did the best I knew how and I also know I could have done SO much better. And man, time just sneaks away and we realize too late we just don't get those moments back.

My go to has always been to just fill my time to not deal with discomfort or really sit with feelings, thoughts etc. I am forcing myself not to do that this time cause I still have to go through this rending of my heart again next year and I need to get my shit together before then otherwise my husband will need to medicate me, buy me a condo near my kid, or get me a puppy! I am waiting to hear what speaks to my heart; to discover who I want to be, what I want to do, how I proceed from here. It is the most excruciating thing I've ever done, to just listen to myself and not snap my fingers and say, "ok, let's do it" before really giving it much thought. Thoughtful self reflection is hard AF! It also seems to be a slow process which is just stupid! 

So, I'm choosing to have faith that at some point, I will figure this all out and learn how to be in this new phase with my kids. I'm sure it will be just as concerted and conscious an effort as it was to relearn how to walk, but I'm hoping, eventually, it'll be habit and it won't hurt so much anymore.

In the interest of full disclosure...

I have recently put out into the world that my oldest child has come out as transgender, is using he/they pronouns and is in the process (with our blessing) of changing his name to Rigel. It was a lot to share, and it's been a lot for our family to go through. I received so much love and support and accolades on my announcement and while it left me feeling humble and loved, it also left me feeling a bit guilty.

I am a firm believer, especially in our social media centered lives, in being as honest with the bad as you are with the good. Comparison is the killer of all things good. I have suffered it myself and, ashamedly, I have perpetuated it. Maybe it's my aging or just human growth but I feel softer and more empathetic now and very aware of portraying life as a bed of roses for fear that others will feel they fall short. So, in the interest of full disclosure I want to put to words, as best I can, my journey that lead up to that FB post the other day.

This is not Rigel's story, he may write his someday, it's not for me to write. This is my story, and for sure it is nowhere near finished. We are still living it and navigating these new waters. This isn't Steve's story either, he had a different journey.

This has been years in the making, probably longer than I realize. However, I knew in 2018 I was, for some unknown reason, losing my oldest child. (I will use the correct name and pronouns but know this was not the case back then). He was combative and angry and sullen. All the joy and light and bravery seemed to be disappearing from the child I looked up to for his willingness to meet life head on and try anything. I envied his self assuredness, his confidence in his intelligence and his openness to new adventures. It all seemed to be changing as the teen years came on. Really it seemed to begin back in 2016 when he asked to be homeschooled due to bullying at school. It was simultaneously the right and the wrong choice. Don't get me wrong, I fully believe in homeschooling, Rigel and I just were not in the right personal spaces to make it what it should be. I was slowly sinking into a pit of depression myself and he, as a burgeoning introvert, just shut himself away more and more. It culminated with Rigel coming to me saying he thought he was depressed and wanted to see a therapist. I found him one and we started that journey. I knew I needed one too but Rigel came first and I just couldn't find one I thought could help me.

Therapy helped in some ways, he was able to articulate some things, but I just didn't really hear it. I was still stuck in my head thinking, what does this privileged kid have to be depressed about? I was filled with anger and guilt and denial, it clouded all things, for an embarrassingly long time.

I found a good therapist just a month before moving to TN and felt I could have done some good work but the move interrupted that. Now, don't get me wrong I was glad to finally be reunited with my family, I just didn't want the momentum to stop. Of course it did though. I did find a new therapist for Rigel and I but after a bit we realized she wasn't really the best fit for either of us and by that time the pandemic was in full swing. We found a new therapist for Rigel and I as well as a couple's therapist and we even got Caitie in on it. She was struggling too as all our energy had been focused on Rigel and we left Caitie to handle her stuff only for it to rear it's head and make us notice.

So we all went to therapy. Our couple's therapy focused on parenting for the most part. We were lost and drowning and desperately wanting to help. I was still focused on all I had probably done wrong in raising them and what a terrible mother I had been to make them so unhappy. 

During this time Caitie was happily and openly using the he/him pronouns with Rigel as well as his preferred name. Steve and I refused to unless Rigel actually verbalized his wishes to us. I was convinced if it was real (cause I was positive it was societal brain washing) then he had to own it and speak it to us. Finally, he did. It was not easy and he said it as he ran back upstairs away from us. It breaks my heart to think about it now. So we tried, not very earnestly on my part I must say. The name was a bigger struggle and again we required his verbalizing those wishes to us. It didn't happen for a while, not until we had a family therapy session and he made that one of his demands, along with pretty much wanting to write us off after high school. I could feel his anger towards us. I admit, I got angry too. I thought what a spoiled, entitled child to expect us to fund his college but be treated like we don't exist. I couldn't yet see why he wanted us to not exist. I was still so wrapped up in what I wanted, how I was hurt, how I had done something wrong. I can't even really explain how I came out of it, probably something my therapist said! It was a long process of me changing how I look at things, how I react to things. Disobedience being met with inquiries into how they were feeling, if something was wrong as opposed to just screaming upstairs and getting more and more upset and righteous in my anger. Checking in with my kids, has been a game changer for me, if for nothing else than it has opened up more communication between us and I think they feel safer talking to me. It pains me to think that they ever felt unsafe to do so. 

It took me identifying some pretty serious baggage in my own life and my own thinking to realize every issue I had with this transition of Rigel's had nothing to do with him and EVERYTHING to do with me. I had to confront my idea of who he was and realize that I had, unconsciously, decided who he was without ever asking him. I had to face the idea that this wasn't about me or my parenting or my fault. That actually he was the same kid and really did I love him any less? When I asked myself the most fundamental question of "Do you love this child?" and answered myself with a resounding "YES", all the other things seemed trivial. It didn't seem like such an emotional blow to use new pronouns or a new name. It didn't seem like I needed to fight him every step of the way, cause in the grand scheme of things I loved him no matter what and none of these changes really had any effect on my life. I hate to admit that it took me so long to just realize I love my kid and that's all that needs to matter, everything else is just part of the journey.

I still have creeping thoughts and grieve for the image of the person I believed him to be. I still have conversations with Steve saying all the scary and self involved things that come along with this process, but I no longer put that at Rigel's feet. It is not his baggage to carry, I never should have made it be. I can look back and see that really, the bravest of us all has been Rigel, just like I always believed him to be. Because, in spite of how hard I fought him, he is alive and forgiving and honest with who he is. I have learned more about myself from him and his journey than I probably ever could have learned in years of therapy. I find inspiration in him, I am grateful for him and want to be like him when I grow up!

Now that I have broken through to the other side of that brick wall I was hiding behind, I know we still have challenges ahead, however I know that I will always ask myself, is this worth a fight, is this showing love? I still struggle, especially now, with guilt over the obstacles I put in his path and what I made him feel and go through to get here. I hate that I was not the type of open minded, all loving person I claimed and believed myself to be. It's a much different story when these big changes come into your home. I wanted to make sure that if anyone reads my FB post they also read this and know that I am not perfect, I didn't show unwavering support right from the beginning. My kid had to fight to get me to where I am today. I don't want anyone to think they are a horrible parent for struggling through something like this. Sometimes we don't know what we don't know. I love the saying, I believe by Mya Angelou, when we know better, we do better. I am still learning and trying to do better. I can't make up for how I started this journey but I can try to make it so much better from here on out. 

Thank you for your support and love for me and my wonderful, inspiring son, Rigel.

I wrote this poem the other day, it kind of just came to me, I hope you like it.

Meeting My Son

I had never met my son until he came to me and said

"I am yours"

I was confused, I said "I never had a son"

He said "you did, you just didn't know it"

I looked in his eyes and recognized the child I never knew I had, but loved fiercely anyway

"Nice to meet you" I said "you are mine, forever"

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...2020

 As I bid adieu to the year that has been simultaneously indescribable and littered with any number of descriptions, dumpster fire anyone, I have decided to do a year in review. 

This year has been hard, brick wall, steel girder, hard. In my own life, challenges and loss were plenty. I started the year, like most, with great ambition; finish my book, work on myself and my relationships, spend time with one of my best friends and enjoy all that my new home had to offer. I got journals and planners, dance instructors and a gym membership...so hopeful. As the pandemic came into full view plans and vacations and camps got canceled, my daily gym routine died, my motivation suffered and I became overwhelmed. I spent the middle of the pandemic pretty much phoning it in, and even that is an overstatement of my showing some days. Naps were the norm, binge watching tv shows and just generally checking out became my coping mechanism. Parenting teenagers in a pandemic is not just hard, it has been soul crushingly brutal, keeping a marriage strong with very little in the way of any real time alone has been frustrating. Finding any semblance of time for myself or my interests was non existent.

I've spent the last few weeks looking through photos of this year, I documented the first 100 days of quarantine, and found myself repeatedly saying "THAT happened this year??" This year has felt like 5 years. I lost a very dear, friend early on this year and I honestly was surprised when I looked back and realized that hadn't happened last year. There was no closure, no ability to say goodbye. The bad parts just kept rolling one into the other til it was a mish mash of crap that seemed to have been going on for years. I am honestly shocked at how much crap has been packed into one measly year, 12 months, 365 days.

Despite all that, throughout this pandemic, I have had a secret, guilty thought..."This isn't so bad for us". By us I mean my family of 4. We have certainly known loss and have friends that have struggled, but for us, if we really look at it, it wasn't so bad. This is certainly not to rub anyone's noses in anything. I don't think there is a person on earth right now that hasn't been impacted by this pandemic in some way, big or small. It is simply a way to look back and not dwell so much on the hard but to see the hidden gifts this year has brought us. I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason and while I don't for one second think the death and injustices we've seen and had this year have any "reason", I hope they have at least brought some kind of enlightenment to people, I know they did me.

So when Steve and I talked to the kids over Christmas break and talked about how lucky our family has been through this whole thing, I decided to go through my year of pictures and remember those good things as a way to usher out a hard year and start the new year with a different frame of mind. Besides these things from my photo feed, so many other things brought some joy to my life this year; watching birds out my window, my 4 legged family members, a little 4 year old blonde boy and his equally wonderful mother that I followed on FB, The Holderness family, The I MOM SO HARD ladies and sunshine...so much sunshine in TN!

My Marshall family 2020 year in review:

January: Started the year in Peterborough after visiting for Christmas, Steve and I saw Brandi Carlisle in concert at the Ryman (the original Grand Ole Opry), Picked up our first NGPR foster Maverick

February: Scrap days with Janette, FINISHED MY BOOK, Caitie's bestie visited from NH, Started the Sit & Play program...PUPPIES!

March: I visited the Garden Show in Nashville, We had a nesting Kildeer in our front yard, Cake #1 made, Explored the Natchez Trace for the first time, Morning walks with Steve started, Neighborhood clean up with the kids, home organization began, dyed my own hair red

April: School closed, Guest room organization finished, Jojen and I participated in a freestyle compilation, Adopted Maverick, Houseparty app workouts with my besties, started work on the garden

May: Started work on the screen porch, Season 2 of Dead to me, planted my garden beds, Aggression in Dogs Conference, Lemonade conference, NGPR transports

June: Cake #2, Peach subscription arrives, Lots of pool days, garden is blooming, Started watching The Office, Family drive on the Natchez Trace,

July: HAMILTON on TV!, Picked up Ramsey to foster, started Reactive Rover classes, visited Cheekwood, 18th wedding anniversary in quarantine, Motorcycle rented for a week, Steve turns 50!

August: Rented a boat with the family-twice!, Bean crazy in the garden, "Back to school", Quick visit with Caitie to NH

September: Re-organized my craft room, Steve bought his motorcycle, Cake #3, Ramsey got adopted

October: Picked up Gabby to foster, Apple picking with the family, Rick Riordan virtual book tour, Cake #4, Birthday trip of the murals of Nashville, early voting, Rylie turns 16, cut my own hair, Escape room...twice, Zipline/adventure course with Rylie

November: My mom comes to visit, Rylie goes to FL. for her AIO camp, Christmas lights in Gallatin

December: Decorating our new home for Christmas with my mom, Clint Black virtual concert date night, Die Hard 1,2,3, Gabby gets adopted, Cake #5, A beautiful Christmas with my 3 favorite people, Caitie finished writing her first book, laughing with my family on NYE watching Bob Marley, starting a new year with a grateful heart

*Sounds of the world burning* Me: Ha! Funny post! (This is about Social Media)

Well you can't erase that, now can you?

Welcome to social media! The one thing "keeping" us teens from "realizing our full potential". It's the thing that "makes our generation so violent" and it "causes mental health issues". Okay Brenda, go off. In truth, social media is and does a lot of things. It can help a person who has trouble making friends in real life make friends in other parts of the world. It delivers news in real time. It is a job that a lot of people can make money from. It serves as a place of learning, inspiration and connection. It can help people who are struggling to reach out and get help. It can help people discuss interests and viewpoints with other likeminded individuals. It is also home to child predators, traffickers, racists, bullies, and general grade A a**holes. (Mom told me not to swear, I think censoring should do the trick.) The older generations (Read: Baby Boomers and Gen. X) are all up in our faces (Or our timelines) about how much better their childhoods were and how social media is the cause of all our problems. First of all: we as a generation acknowledge the problems that social media causes, and we acknowledge our part in it. However, we also know that social media helps with issues that often are not always addressed in the real world. Second of all: they can't blame us for problems that their generations had a significant part in creating. All those social networks that they are so worried about? Gen. X's and Baby Boomers created them. Sure, some are made by millennials, but most are made by the older generations. I... had a point here, hold on, let me find it. A-ha! Social media has a lot of positive impacts/traits and negative impacts/traits. Let's go over some of those, shall we?

Part One:

Positive Number 1: It is a way for teens to entertain themselves and others, as well as a form of self expression.

Take the newish app that's all the rage with my generation (Gen. Z if you couldn't tell), TikTok. Thats right folks! The new and improved 'musical.ly' with Vine mixed in! Remember Vine? No? I don't either. TikTok made itself known for its numerous videos of teens doing weird dances to weird songs. Or, as everyone else calls it "The Straight side of TikTok". It is known for new challenges, dances, cool makeup and makeup effects, and the Thirst Traps. Yes, the capitals are necessary. Other staples of TikTok include skits, mini vlogs, politics, cosplay, and other random stuff that people find cool and funny. A lot of it being the whole 'burst through your bathroom door, look dramatically in the mirror, and say something'. Most of these videos are kids my age (Read: High school age) or the elders of my generation/the youngsters of the millennials just doing things to make others laugh, or showcase something they really enjoy or have a talent in. 

Negative Number 1: It can cause unrealistic expectations of what a teen should look like.

We all know those pictures, the ones were a teen around 14-17 who looks like they could be the cover of a Vogue magazine? Or those targeted ads about how to be pretty, or lose weight with the captions, 'Now you can do it too!' Now, what a surprise that it can do more harm than help. When teens who already have issues with their body-image and/or self-esteem see these types of things it can reinforce the idea "I need to be pretty" or "I need to be skinny" when they don't! Little tidbit of positivity: I will love you no matter what you look like, because it does not and should not matter. Okay, back to the depressing stuff. This toxic mindset of " I need to look like them to be valued" is extremely dangerous and can be a leading factor in a lot of mental health issues, especially depression, anxiety, and eating disorders.

To learn about more positives and negatives of social media, visit these articles: how-does-social-media-affect-teenagers and positive-and-negative-influences-of-media-on-teenagers_00107975

Part Two:

Now personally, I don't use social media as much as one would think. Sure, I watch YouTube and have an Instagram account, but I hardly interact with other users. So my views might be a bit different than other teens my age. I personally like the social media I'm on. I can view a wider range of content that I find interesting and relevant. I don't like all the pressure it puts on people to post though. Let me and my lurker tendencies be! Because I'm not as involved, I am often times not aware of big going-ons in this digital world. (Gods, just saying that made me feel even more removed from society than I am.) And it doesn't really effect my in-person life in a big way. I do talk about things I've read, seen and watched a lot, but that's because they are all about things I find interesting or topics I feel strongly about. My Mom calls me addicted, but I don't experience withdrawal symptoms when I get my phone/laptop taken away, so I don't think its a real addiction. And also, if it is a real addiction, in this day and age? I think I can afford it. I can't go outside anyway, might as well watch funny videos, am I right? Besides, what else am I supposed to do? I can read yes, and I do! The problem is that if I want new books, I need to buy them or visit a library. See the issue? I can't go out with friends, not that I do anyway but at least the option was there before. There is nothing to do but be on the internet. At the very least watching TV. Also, my mom can't say anything. She is on her phone and laptop, and when she isn't, she's watching TV, and when she's not doing that, she is napping. Again, I had a point here, hold on. Wait, did I have a point with this? I can't tell anymore.

Part Three:

As a child, which I still am, but as a younger child, I had a lesson (Class? Something.) on internet safety. They didn't say why, but I knew. News flash! Bad people exist! As a smaller child, I had very limited access to the internet, but I also understood the dangers better than most of my peers. We were taught not to share personal information like our full names, addresses, or our age. No pictures, either. The whole time, I sat there thinking, 'Well duh. You wouldn't tell a total stranger this information, so why would you put it on the internet, where so many more people have access to it?' As you can see, I was very cautious and logical about the whole thing. But I look on social media, mostly peoples profiles, and I see this exact information. And, you do you, I guess, but they should still be careful. There are so many horror stories about people not being careful and bad things happen. Just type the words 'teen social media horror stories' into any search bar and thousands of articles will pop up. Once you get past the 'I accidentally posted to the wrong wall' or the 'sent this to the wrong person' stories, there are a lot of stories about how sharing information can go horribly wrong. There are some really good articles I found about how to stay safe and about the real-life consequences of not being as safe as you could be. You can read them here: real-life-consequences-social-media, sharing-inappropriate-photos-or-information-online and social-media-smarts.html

Part Four:

As part of the whole 'real-life consequences for things you do online', a lot of companies and jobs that pay well do background checks on everything in your life, including what you post on social media. So watch out! Those old tweets from 2008 when you were way close-minded? Yeah, they're going to be dug up. A good rule of thumb is if you wouldn't say it to someones face, don't post it and if you wouldn't show this picture to your parents/guardians, don't post it. For those of you wondering about the process of background checks, surprisingly the police are very open about how they go about the background checks they do before hiring someone. They check with any and all family members and friends that you are who you say you are and to get more information on you. They check your criminal record and any minor infractions can put you at a slight disadvantage. They check school and job records. And of course, they check your social media. Use these articles as a template for what to expect when a possible job says that they'll do a background check on you: need-know-police-background-check-common-disqualifiers and social-media-background-checks-law-enforcement-industry

Anyway, social media is a neutral entity. It's not inherently evil or good. It just is. It is what we as a community use it for that determines if it is good or bad. The original purpose of social media was to bring people together, and it does just that. Remember! Be safe, be kind, and don't blame societies problems on teenagers who are just trying to survive high school and college. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go have an existential crisis in my shower. See ya!

-Rigel M.

Life just keeps on going...

It was a long, tumultuous summer punctuated by some great moments. I am now in TN full time and fully immersed back in our family life. I love it here, love my home and definitely love the weather!!

I have been so busy, keeping up with this blog has fallen by the wayside. I hadn't realized it's been so long since the last post. Moving has been a struggle in the parenting department. Rylie is doing well, enjoys her school and has made friends but Caitie is still refusing to embrace anyplace that isn't Peterborough. I understand, I never wanted to move them so late in their teen years and I remember how much I hated moving so often as a kid. I am trying to be patient and understanding but a sullen teenager is a challenge for sure. I had an epiphany this morning, although it wasn't especially comforting, Parenting teenagers is like being pushed off a cliff that seemingly has no bottom. You are completely at a loss as to what to do, what's coming at you, and when you'll hit the bottom. There are of course times where the winds may buffet your fall and maybe even offer you a respite from the plummeting but in just the next breath you could be speeding back into the abyss again. I am flailing and failing daily at parenting these teenage humans and all I can do is just try and do better, or at least not cause more strife, the next day. Some days I get a smile and hug, other days I get sullen silence and complete ignoring. It's whiplash and emotionally exhausting on a daily basis. I haven't been this tired since their toddler hood! Parents of adult children say this will pass and it will get better and I am sure that is the case, but right now Steve and I are just racing down this free fall trying our best not to crash into the wall.

Steve and I have restarted taking ballroom dance lessons. We are part of this great place called National Dance Club and have a great (albeit very young) instructor named Austin. We have been so out of practice but slowly things are coming back to us and we are recapturing that muscle memory. Through this rekindling of this weekly adventure I have come to realize a few things. I have some trust issues. We used to joke that I am not a good follower, I was always trying to lead Steve. We tried to chalk it up to my ability to keep a beat and having had previous dance experience, but recently I have started to delve deeper into my "junk" and I have found that it really is about trusting my partner to lead me safely where I need to go. To be able to let go of control of the situation. SO HARD! I have also found dancing with a partner is a metaphor for a relationship. The most important thing (other than trust) is your frame. It is the foundation for everything, a weak or collapsing frame creates imbalance and can cause you to step on your partners toes or get completely out of synch. If you have the opportunity to try ballroom dance I highly recommend it, whether alone or with a partner, it is so much more than being able to move on the dance floor.

Well those are the things that have been on my mind that I felt I wanted to share. I hope you all have a wonderful Holiday Season. Enjoy the day!

All Aboard The Crazy Train...

I definitely hear Ozzy Osbourne laughing in my head on a daily basis as I go about my day. I can't even begin to describe the stress, instability and chaos I have been feeling for the last year and a half, and I still have more to go!

Caitie's room got finished and she loved it. The bathroom is still fully gutted upstairs but everything else downstairs is back together and usable. The insanity of no ceilings for over a month was super fun! I finally told Steve I needed a break from the construction at least for the summer, so we sent our contractor off to another job and will see him back here again late fall/early winter to finish the upstairs bathroom and front door. Then, the plan is to stop for a while. We will have the luxury of going at a slower pace since it will be unoccupied and not a necessity. We are still undecided what the future will hold for this house but, at least for the next year or two, we will keep it as a landing spot to come back to NH to visit. It's a bit of a safety blanket for all of us. When we left NH the first time to go to MO, we came to realize, selling that house was a mistake as we had no place to go back to and yet, we did the same thing with the house on Ashlee Dr. here in Peterborough. So, we have finally learned our lesson and will give ourselves that safety blanket should we need it.

This summer has been crazy, well, just an extension of the continuing crazy really. Losing Pat, Steve's dad, threw us all for a loop and being apart during it all has been excruciating. My job is to take care of my husband and I couldn't do it, that was hard for me. He has been so strong through it all, taking care of the monumental task of settling dad's estate, being there for his brother and dealing with his own grief. I am in awe of his strength and pig headedness LOL. His dad was and would be so proud of him for sure.

Before Steve was offered this amazing promotion opportunity of CIO, we were coming to the point in this crazy experiment that we needed to make some really difficult decisions. We were no longer ok with the separation, but still had no idea how to move forward to mitigate that. On top of that we were dealing with two teenagers struggling with life and we didn't know how to help and what would be more beneficial or more detrimental. We were both a bit frozen and couldn't really find a clear path. This promotion gave us a clearer path and allowed me to feel more settled with the idea of moving. This has been a career goal for as long as I've known Steve and because of me, many times it was derailed or at the very least veered of course slightly. He is nothing if not persistent (pig headed!) and he just kept trucking on and moving forward. You can't keep an amazing man down and he excels at pretty much everything he sets his mind to. I had absolutely no intention of standing in the way of this achievement.

I am actually ready and excited to move to TN. I am ready to be with my husband every day and have our family back together again. As much as I will miss my dog community, I am excited to try new things and spend time working with my own dogs. I have thoughts and plans in my head but I am not putting them out into the world just yet. The one thing that I am willing to share is that I plan to begin volunteer work again. Caitie and I are planning to volunteer at a local shelter and possibly even a wildlife rehabilitation in the area (totally bribing my daughter with these things!). I am ready for something new and even though I am scared of the fallout with the girls, I am hopeful it will be good for them as well.

The house of course is an incredible bonus. I am thoroughly in love with the new house and property and can't wait to be there full time and make it feel like home for all of us.

I am extending an open invitation for 2020, if anyone would like to come visit the Nashville area, give me a call, we have a room for you! Also, in 2020, if anyone would like to visit the monadnock region, give me a call, we have a house you can stay in while you explore this beautiful corner of New England! There will still be furniture and such here so it will be ready for guests!

Here's some pictures, in case you haven't already seen them on FB!


Visit Peterborough!

Rylie's Graduation!

An attempt at a mother daughter bonding home spa day...this mask was terrible!

She is a Stranger Things junkie now!