I had to relearn how to walk when I was pregnant. I was suffering from debilitating sciatic nerve and back pain and the only relief was to learn how to walk with my hips pulled forward rather than how I had walked my whole life up to that point. It was a conscious and concerted effort and I had to remind myself to do it for a very long time. Somewhere along the way after having two babies and so much practice, It's no longer a conscious thing and it's how I walk now. I do still have slouchy, lazy days where I throw my hips too far back and boy do I pay for it! 48 is not as forgiving as 30!
It hit me today that this new stage of my life is very similar to having to relearn how to walk. Except this is much less tangible and much more emotional. I have to re-learn how to be. I have to re-learn how to parent. I have to re-learn who I am now and what my role is. It's very disorienting. It's a little like being lightheaded in that there isn't too much you can do about it and sometimes it comes in waves.
When I first brought Rigel home as a baby, that first day, I looked at my mom and said "now what?" she laughed, but I was serious. Like, what happens now? Of course as any person that brings an infant home knows, that question gets answered real quick and you never have the luxury of asking it again...until they are ready to leave your home and go out on their own. He's gone, Now what?
I know fundamentally I will always be their mother but that job is different now and my copy of the manual got lost in the mail somehow so I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. Am I their friend, am I their bank roller, am I just an old lady that doesn't get it and tells them they should eat better? Like what do I even do now? And really, for me anyway, it is the feeling of loss of control or being involved. Like a friend recently said, control is really just an illusion, but man did I love that illusion. I am simultaneously so excited to see my kid kick ass as a newly independent human, and beyond terrified that I failed in some fundamental way and have fucked up their life forever. I'm sure it's a common theme with parents and I don't think I'm alone in that. It's the waiting to see which it is and having NO control of that outcome at all that is a serious blow to my heart. I know I did the best I knew how and I also know I could have done SO much better. And man, time just sneaks away and we realize too late we just don't get those moments back.
My go to has always been to just fill my time to not deal with discomfort or really sit with feelings, thoughts etc. I am forcing myself not to do that this time cause I still have to go through this rending of my heart again next year and I need to get my shit together before then otherwise my husband will need to medicate me, buy me a condo near my kid, or get me a puppy! I am waiting to hear what speaks to my heart; to discover who I want to be, what I want to do, how I proceed from here. It is the most excruciating thing I've ever done, to just listen to myself and not snap my fingers and say, "ok, let's do it" before really giving it much thought. Thoughtful self reflection is hard AF! It also seems to be a slow process which is just stupid!
So, I'm choosing to have faith that at some point, I will figure this all out and learn how to be in this new phase with my kids. I'm sure it will be just as concerted and conscious an effort as it was to relearn how to walk, but I'm hoping, eventually, it'll be habit and it won't hurt so much anymore.
