Thursday, April 26, 2018

Life ain't a merry go round...it's a roller coaster (Long Live Bon Jovi)

I actually hate Merry Go Rounds, have always hated them. I hate spinning rides, I get dizzy and disoriented and eventually bored! I always thought it was silly to have such cool designed animals on such a boring ride. I love roller coasters, of course as I've gotten older my body can only take so many rides in one day but I still love them! The speed, the rush, the horrible anticipation of the drop and the uncontrollable giggling. Unfortunately, the roller coaster of life in NO WAY resembles The Hulk ride at Universal (super awesome coaster BTW). It's not always giggle inducing or a rush of excitement. Sometimes those drops just keep on dropping and sometimes that climb up to it is slow and agonizing and often unnoticed until we are free falling, barely hanging on to the safety bar. I just hope that the person you have sitting next to you holds your hand through it all and makes you feel safe, or better yet, you have the strength to be your own safety net and can just barrel through those drops knowing a climb and a loop de loop is just up ahead.

I hope that with all my heart for my friend, his words to me have always been "Never Give Up", so I echo them back to him today.

I had a pretty nice weekend with Steve. The weather was gorgeous and we got to have a leisurely few days together. On Friday we puttered around, had lunch and ran errands while the kids were in school. Friday night we got to have dinner with friends and really had a great time. Saturday we all went into town and cleaned up trash along the bike trail on Summer St. to celebrate Earth Day. Sunday we took a nice drive to America's Stonhenge in Salem NH. That was really cool! Steve left Sunday night and the girls and I started Spring Break! It's been a quiet relaxing week, I've gone for walks, went for a hike with my friend Sy and her dog Thurber, took the girls to the Boston aquarium yesterday and did a fun craft night with my friend Karie, and today it is chores. I have been winding down my private lesson clients and daycare clients and after today I will only have one daycare puppy left and one more private lesson left. It feels weird to have so much extra time available, weird but nice. I have lots of craft projects planned!

The girls are enjoying their new bikes and have been riding around the neighborhood every day. Now that they have a school friend that moved into our neighborhood they've been out of the house more. This is also good because apparently 12 is the new 3 and I am not enjoying the teen angst and attitude lately. Buttons pushed daily. I know it will pass, Rylie went through this too and has since leveled out and become a pretty pleasant 13 year old. I hope her sister will follow suit!

Drama with the new house is consuming Steve and I right now. Quite a few things came back from the inspection needing to be fixed and we aren't sure how cooperative the seller is going to be. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for us, neither of us want to start this whole process over again!

Thanks for reading, here are some pictures!

Earth Day fun!



America's Stonehenge






Craft Night at Graffiti Paintbar in Nashua

 My project!



Thursday, April 19, 2018

The Spring of my Discontent...

Seriously? I mean, come on Mother Nature get your shit together! I had to cancel my evening training class for snow...on April 16th for crying out loud!! I feel like at this point it's just rubbing salt in wounds that have been festering since last winter, like the bitch has given up on all of us idiots and she's giving us all a big FUCK YOU, TAKE THAT...I can't say as I blame her really. I have felt overwhelmed with dread, sorrow, anger, incredulity and helplessness the last year and a half. I have been trying to dig myself out but that bitch keeps smacking me down, "Oh you are trying to come out of your depressive state? Here's a nice Nor'easter for you...in April". I think my own body is against me too! I have gained WAY too much weight over the last year and each time I start to take control some part of my body freaking breaks down and needs a few days rest, which of course turns into months and then the cycle starts over. I've been able to accomplish little things like get more mobility and use out of my shoulder that I hurt in Jan. 2017 and ignored for waaaay too long. I cut out my iced tea habit as well as those really yummy pretzel crisps, I was in the midst of a 2 bag every 3 days habit...kicked cold turkey. I dowloaded the full Headspace app for daily meditation and thought provoking reminders. I don't meditate daily but I would say I meditate about 3 out of 7 days on average. I've been trying to get outside and walk the last week but yet again the bitch says "wanna see what happens when you go outside?" BOOM head cold and sore throat! To make it even more awesome Steve comes home tonight. Super sexy to see your wife after 3 weeks and she's sniffing and blowing her nose. 😷 But I'll keep plugging along because I can and because some people don't get that chance.

I have a dear friend that just lost his wife of almost 20 years, she was 42! That is mind boggling to me and I can't even begin to know the devastation he is feeling. I tend to be a fatalist (I imagine the worst case scenario for every day things in life) and this has had me imagining losing Steve. It's an easy jump for me and my brain, he's on a plane all the time coming to visit, driving back and forth, I mean even tonight he is driving from Boston home after midnight and there is supposed to be snow and ice! It gives me heart palpitations. Not to mention with all this house buying stuff we are talking about finances, bank accounts, 401K's and insurance and how I need to know what we have and where it is. It's morbid to think about but nothing is guaranteed and it's better to be prepared otherwise a tragedy could be even more horrifying having to deal with such inane things as finances when faced with losing your heart. I know my friend has the support of his family and friends and I hope that can help him through, my heart aches for him.

As I mentioned I am a fatalist, I'm also a dweller and one of those people that can conjure old arguments in my head and rehash them out with things I should have said or things I would say now. I have a very vivid imagination...yay for me. I'm also someone that bites off more than she can chew on a regular basis (just ask my husband, he can vouch for this). It usually works out but in the middle of it I can be quite overwhelmed and get stuck. I recently did this to myself. I had the opportunity to get in contact with someone from my childhood, but there was risk associated with it as well...I did it anyway. I am glad I did but it is also bringing up other issues that I may have to deal with at some point and they are a bit overwhelming. Rekindling a relationship with one person may inadvertently mean some kind of connection with another person that I had written off long ago and I'm not sure how I feel about that. To make a long story short (too late) I may have opened a door to a connection with my biological father and I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. Heavy stuff.

Anywhoo, as cathartic as all this self expression is, as a substitute for FB you all probably just want cute pictures or little witty quips...fresh out of witty quips this week but I am never in short supply of cute pics. Enjoy.

The one thing that held me together during Monday's storm...so many Goldfinch and Juncos and Chickadees!
Caitie's artistic talent is incredible and makes me so proud of her (and a little envious!) She has incredible artists on both sides of her family, it makes me wish my grandmother could see it.
Trying to meditate...the purring actually helped!
Therapist extraordinaire! 💕

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Failure lies in perspective

So it's been a pretty mundane week. Steve is still in TN and won't be back again until very late Thursday night. He's been away 3 weeks this time, I hate it. The girls have managed to get ready and out the door at my designated time twice this week which leaves them 3 more days to get it right before they can earn their electronics back! Teens and mornings DO NOT mix. Rylie and I watched "Murder on the Orient Express" last night, she loved it and is now wanting to read Agatha Christie books! After the girls went to bed, I watched Deadpool. It was hilarious, not quite as offensive as I thought it would be but still pretty much in the gutter! The weather actually seemed a tad more spring like a few days this week...today it is sleeting and the ground is covered in white. It seems we had a brief spring, skipped summer and fall altogether and went right back to winter. I am looking more and more forward to our move south, Steve told me it was 75 the other day!

Of course I say that and then I get a chance to let the dogs run off leash in our back woods and I know I will miss this place immensely. This home really has everything I want in a home (besides the climate), space, quiet, comfort, wildlife and safety. It is interesting to note that both homes I felt the most at home in, of all the homes we've lived in in our relationship, have been in NH. Our first home, while it was small, was much like this one, quiet, on a lovely cut de sac, safe and with lots of space. Plus, that is where my babies came home so that house will always be my favorite. This current home fits us and we had plans to make it fit us better as we aged so we weren't needing to climb stairs so frequently. The one thing we always said about this house is it had endless potential to be whatever we needed. Life had other plans.

This new home will fit us as well and is just as adaptable. I really like that the master is on the first floor! Good for aging knees as well as aging dogs! Its' five acres are already fully fenced and with plenty of room for gardening, agility and maybe a mini cow or two! I am excited about naming our home (name to be revealed all in good time) as well as making it as comfortable as I knew it could be when I walked in. The girls will have enormous rooms; Rylie will have her own secluded "library" and Caitie will have a separate space for all of her "catifying" ideas (Thanks Jackson Galaxy). There's even a perfect space for the Guinea pigs! Steve and I will have a combined office craft space and I can add a dog shower to the huge laundry room. There is a lovely guest room with it's own bathroom and the patios are beautiful. It will be a great home, It just means I have to leave THIS great home.

I had a little epiphany yesterday (hence the blog title). I hosted a Homeschool Science Fair that I volunteered for last year thinking Rylie would be able to participate. I posted it in one of the homeschooling FB groups and had 27 children sign up. I rented out the community center here in Peterborough, made up certificates and judging sheets and opened the doors at noon yesterday. Three children and their families showed up. I was embarrassed and annoyed. The kids were having fun showing each other their projects (they were all under 9) and by 12:30 I asked the parents if they would like me to bring out the scooters from the equipment room. The kids enjoyed riding around the gym for the next 40 min. or so while I gave other people time to show up...no one did. So, I went around and had each child explain to me their project. The only little girl to show up did a project on fossils. She had done all her own research and typed it all up. She made salt dough fossils as well as used one of those kits that kid chip away at to find the fossils inside. The next little boy was 6 and he was dressed in a nice little button up shirt and khaki pants and he told me all about the wobble bot he made. The oldest boy was so shy his mother had to help him explain his project, but I was able to get out of him that he wants to be an astronaut and that is why his project was about why the sky is blue. After seeing all the projects I went back and filled out the certificates, everyone got one of course but you know what, everyone deserved one! Afterwards, as they were cleaning up, the little girl told me it was her first science fair and it was "the best ever" and the 6 year old boy gave me a hug to thank me for putting on the fair. The older boy gave me a big smile as I handed him his certificates. I left the gym realizing, what I thought was a failure to meet expectations, these kids thought was incredible. They were just happy to have been able to participate and show off all they learned, I'm sure the scooters helped too! So like the title says, failure is all in your perspective. So try to look at things the way a 6 year old might and maybe you'll see the good through it all.

Enjoy your day!

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Excuse the delay...life happened

Dusting off the old blog forum...wow, 6 years since I've written here! So much has happened, where to start...just kidding! I can barely remember what I did yesterday never mind recount what I did for the past 6 years, other than raise two amazing daughters (if I do say so myself!)

Anyway I am back here in an effort to cut ties with my FB addiction that I used to be able to justify as a way to keep up with people I'd lost track of or don't get to see regularly. I can no longer justify wasting 1/2 hr to find out the 15 best clapback tweets! I don't even do twitter AND I don't even know half of the people on the list!

So I am taking back my time from FB and instead using this space to write (which is something I love and have missed doing) and document our lives for those that really would like to know what's up in our lives. We are by no means exciting BUT we are coming in to the teen years with our girls so I am sure that will provide much fodder for this blog (as well as the therapist I will likely need to start seeing). We are also moving to TN, and while we have lived in a southern type state before, MO, this will be an interesting adventure. I have some personal/professional plans floating around in my head and I'm kind of excited about them, all I'll say is they are dog related 😝

I hope you enjoy reading about our journey!

(I'm still trying to come up with some clever sign off, if anyone has any ideas...)