The Spring of my Discontent...

Seriously? I mean, come on Mother Nature get your shit together! I had to cancel my evening training class for snow...on April 16th for crying out loud!! I feel like at this point it's just rubbing salt in wounds that have been festering since last winter, like the bitch has given up on all of us idiots and she's giving us all a big FUCK YOU, TAKE THAT...I can't say as I blame her really. I have felt overwhelmed with dread, sorrow, anger, incredulity and helplessness the last year and a half. I have been trying to dig myself out but that bitch keeps smacking me down, "Oh you are trying to come out of your depressive state? Here's a nice Nor'easter for you...in April". I think my own body is against me too! I have gained WAY too much weight over the last year and each time I start to take control some part of my body freaking breaks down and needs a few days rest, which of course turns into months and then the cycle starts over. I've been able to accomplish little things like get more mobility and use out of my shoulder that I hurt in Jan. 2017 and ignored for waaaay too long. I cut out my iced tea habit as well as those really yummy pretzel crisps, I was in the midst of a 2 bag every 3 days habit...kicked cold turkey. I dowloaded the full Headspace app for daily meditation and thought provoking reminders. I don't meditate daily but I would say I meditate about 3 out of 7 days on average. I've been trying to get outside and walk the last week but yet again the bitch says "wanna see what happens when you go outside?" BOOM head cold and sore throat! To make it even more awesome Steve comes home tonight. Super sexy to see your wife after 3 weeks and she's sniffing and blowing her nose. 😷 But I'll keep plugging along because I can and because some people don't get that chance.

I have a dear friend that just lost his wife of almost 20 years, she was 42! That is mind boggling to me and I can't even begin to know the devastation he is feeling. I tend to be a fatalist (I imagine the worst case scenario for every day things in life) and this has had me imagining losing Steve. It's an easy jump for me and my brain, he's on a plane all the time coming to visit, driving back and forth, I mean even tonight he is driving from Boston home after midnight and there is supposed to be snow and ice! It gives me heart palpitations. Not to mention with all this house buying stuff we are talking about finances, bank accounts, 401K's and insurance and how I need to know what we have and where it is. It's morbid to think about but nothing is guaranteed and it's better to be prepared otherwise a tragedy could be even more horrifying having to deal with such inane things as finances when faced with losing your heart. I know my friend has the support of his family and friends and I hope that can help him through, my heart aches for him.

As I mentioned I am a fatalist, I'm also a dweller and one of those people that can conjure old arguments in my head and rehash them out with things I should have said or things I would say now. I have a very vivid imagination...yay for me. I'm also someone that bites off more than she can chew on a regular basis (just ask my husband, he can vouch for this). It usually works out but in the middle of it I can be quite overwhelmed and get stuck. I recently did this to myself. I had the opportunity to get in contact with someone from my childhood, but there was risk associated with it as well...I did it anyway. I am glad I did but it is also bringing up other issues that I may have to deal with at some point and they are a bit overwhelming. Rekindling a relationship with one person may inadvertently mean some kind of connection with another person that I had written off long ago and I'm not sure how I feel about that. To make a long story short (too late) I may have opened a door to a connection with my biological father and I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. Heavy stuff.

Anywhoo, as cathartic as all this self expression is, as a substitute for FB you all probably just want cute pictures or little witty quips...fresh out of witty quips this week but I am never in short supply of cute pics. Enjoy.

The one thing that held me together during Monday's storm...so many Goldfinch and Juncos and Chickadees!

Caitie's artistic talent is incredible and makes me so proud of her (and a little envious!) She has incredible artists on both sides of her family, it makes me wish my grandmother could see it.

Trying to meditate...the purring actually helped!

Therapist extraordinaire! 💕